reply to a letter from L.M.

Dearest LM, I have not forgotten about you. I have decided to blog about something today that will partly answer some of the questions you asked in your email. I posted my entry here instead of replying you personally because I know my other dear friends will have more to add to what I write - more brains are always better than one!

You asked: J, how would you know if you like or love a person? And do they feel the same?

I personally don't believe in love at first sight. For me, love is something that develops after you initially take a liking to someone and subsequently get to know more about and share more with the someone. And knowing that you've read all my entries since the moblog days, you will know that I don't believe that love will last forever. I will come to that later.

When you like someone, you want to see him more and more. You miss him when you don't see him or hear from him. And when you do see him, you kinda experience the 'little deer anyhow crash - 小鹿乱撞' feeling. I quote one of the bastard ex-bfs I had when I was in uni: "When I step into class everyday, I look out for her or her stuff on her desk. I feel extremely disappointed and zombified for the rest of the lesson when I don't see anything at her seat. On the contrary, I get so excited I cannot sit still if I know she's there." That was something he told me when we were a couple but the 'her' referred to some other girl. So he was trying to tell me he liked someone else even though he was going out with me. Bastard right? (Sorry, I digress, I just couldn't help it.) But anyways, you get the idea.

Another year in uni, I had this huge crush on a guy (I think he's called Warren if I remember correctly) who used to always sit in front of me in lectures. I seldom attended lectures, but for this particular subject, I would always faithfully be there just so I can see him. I did everything I could to attract his attention: I delivered mooncakes to his hostel when mid-autumn festival was approaching; I had long phone conversations with him at night; I always acted stupid just so I can ask him schoolwork related questions so he can play the hero and 'teach' me. After a while, I just knew that he didn't feel the same for me. Trust me. You will know. My own feelings for him waned after a while too. It was obvious that was just a puppy crush. Nothing like love at all (although everytime you like someone, you tend to think you are in love). Yes, your world comes crashing down if your feelings are unrequited, but it's partly self inflicted due to ego and you pick yourself up fairly quickly cos it doesn't change your life much - that's why I know it's not love.

Sometimes, when your liking for someone is reciprocated, the both of you then start on a journey of exploration. You learn about each other's likes and dislikes, dreams and goals, lifestyles and routines, pet peeves and unusual habits etc. And you decide after a while whether those are acceptable to you or not. Then you either start to fall in love unknowingly or you start trying to find the quickest way out - I've had numerous encounters with those that belong to the latter group, I was usually the one desperately digging my way out. So, I was mostly always the bitch. But it can't be helped. That's part and parcel of life. Why prolong the misery for both parties and deprive ourselves of a chance to find someone more suitable for each of us? Now, I can sincerely offer all these ex-bfs my best wishes when they tie the knot with their loved ones. I'm sure they are now appreciative of me being honest with my feelings way back then. Sorry I keep digressing. But the point is, sometimes it takes getting together and spending significant time together to discover if it's just pure wishful thinking that by liking someone will take you to the next chapter of your life or if it's something that will blossom into something more beautiful. Do note that getting hurt is very possibly part of the entire package. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

When I am ready to give up every damn thing I have for someone; when I share my life and dreams and goals with the vision of the two of us realising them together; and when I put the well-being and safety of someone before me; then very likely, I am in love. I say, very likely, and not definitely, because some people can also experience all these during the 'like' stage. The differences, then lie in how long these feelings are being sustained for and whether these are what you THINK you feel and not what you ACTUALLY are feeling. Human beings are often delusional, even to their own pitiful selves. If you lie to yourself deep inside, then you have to be prepared to be deceived and bear the consequences of discovering the sad truth later on.

I try to recall every ex-bf I've had, both the decent ones and the bastards, and out of all 1x of them, I can only truthfully say to myself, I was in love with only one. I believe when we were together, he loved me as much as I did him. Three years on, we realised the love we had was not the love we wanted anymore. Of course, we had varied opinions on this and one ended up more hurt than the other. Like I said, love is not evergreen. The definition of love (and consequently the expectations of it), within each individual, is not a constant. It evolves as one grows, develops and changes due to all factors surrounding him/her. Whether a couple who starts off loving each other can continue to love each other through the decades depends on both parties' abilities, willingness and the efforts put in to keep pace with each other's evolving definition and expectations of love.

I quote Mr GS (in brackets are my interpretations and my own self-developed philosophy):
"Love in your teens = a rose bud. (Think 含苞欲放 >>> sex).

Love in your 20s = freshly blossomed flowers (You seek material fulfilments like fresh rose bouquet etc to symbolise love).

Love in your 30s = fully blossomed flowers (You have matured and are experiencing the peak of the most beautiful manifestations of love).

Love in your 40s = wilting flowers (here, you are given the option of drying them to make into potpourri. Otherwise, just let them die and you'll have to clean up the mess the dead flowers leave ie. you'll only be left with a heap of obligations and responsibilities).

Love in your 50s and beyond = potpourri, if you chose this option when you were in your 40s (you see, when you decide to preserve the flowers, you have to put in the effort to inject some fragrance every now and then to keep the potpourri smelling good, otherwise they are as good as dead flowers).

But of course, each individual progresses through life (and love phases) at varying speeds. You may be in your 20s but are already at the crossroads of having to decide between wilting flowers and potpourri or you may be at your 50s but just starting to like freshly blossomed flowers."

Dear friends who have endeavoured to read my nonsensical thoughts up to this stage (it's a super long entry sia), I (and LM too I'm sure) would really like to hear your views on this. Hey, at least I've spent a fruitful saturday morning thinking about serious life-shite than snoozing away, it's an achievement, man.


ps: LM, sorry I got sidetracked here and there. I had wanted to share my thoughts on this topic and as I typed, I just got carried away. Btw, I love the 2 verses you wrote about the moon that you sent to me a few weeks ago, please don't stop sending me all these ok?