This is the longest break I've ever taken from blogging since I started this site. In this 5-month hiatus, I've made several major life-changing decisions which I will attempt to summarise here for posterity's sake.
Sometime mid last year in 2011, an extended session at the doctor's confirmed a medical condition inherited from the paternal side of the family tree that I've suspected for a long time. The experts believe I wasn't anywhere near the life-threatening phase of the condition although I have had to accept the fact that I will be on medication for the rest of my life. Perhaps one day if and when I am courageous enough, I just might share more details with the world.
Then came a period of extensive soul-searching and self-reflection on exactly what I think my life should be about and how I should live it. Some people don't get their answers despite searching their whole lives. I don't dare to claim I found 'my destined path' so to speak, but I was sure the lack of work-life balance due to the hours and stress from the previous industry I was in and the unique management style of my boss then wasn't the way to go for long. I hardened my heart and tendered my resignation even though I loved what I did so that I may get some sort of sanity back.
There and then, I also decided to give my battered body and mind a good long break. I found that I didn't care that I wouldn't be earning good money and hence would have to sacrifice some material comforts. I also didn't care that people around me gave me weird looks when I offered the "I'm currently jobless" reply to that often-asked question that seems to be one of the most popular among most people's default ice-breaking lines.
Lastly, I promised myself I would pursue all the things I love and had missed out on in my previous life when I'd been too focused on my career.
So. From the time I left my previous employment until now as I type this entry, I have:
- flown back to Singapore to spend quality time with the family
- restarted drum lessons
- done some traveling around Asia with friends and family with whom I hadn't gone on holidays for more than 6 years
- started a little online gig that encompasses many of my interests (I will make a proper announcement of it very soon)
- rested well
- played hard
I have not looked back. I am happy and contented. There will be more to come, I promise.
at the crossroads
埃及铁塔内的苹果
I had a sudden inspiration in the middle of the night and quickly woke up to pen down the below.
想起那时，美丽的小岛上
那突如其来，细细的雨水
无忌惮的打在封闭许久的城墙上
白茫茫中，却正好出现七彩的天空
引雨，引城，陶醉其中
晨阳虽姗姗来迟，却与诚恳的宇宙相约在车站
一路到机场，谈谈，嬉戏，笑笑
跑道在前，幼小的心灵幻想着把红苹果送到埃及
无聊的书本一扔，正是小推车成为白色雨天的娱乐
风徐徐的吹，江滔滔不绝的流
十五十六三十一
雨嘀嗒嘀嗒的照下，城静静的依然树立着。
加十，二十，三四五十
雨会继续下
永不退色的城墙会继续淋着雨
而那长年累月呆在埃及铁塔内的苹果，则会永远鲜红。
all my thoughts & the heart talks
There are many thoughts and feelings I can't publish for the world to read here so I've started a personal written diary. It was love at first sight when I saw this journal at the bookstore in the State Library of Victoria in Melbourne after hunting around for one for like, forever, that 'speaks' to me. The picture of the forlorn moon on the cover was purchased separately and added on afterwards.
I got stickers, coloured pens and scrapbooking materials to add some life into my daily ramblings and put them all into a cute Ingrid & Friends pouch from Kikki K for carrying around wherever I go.
With some effort, I did up the inside cover page to reflect my inner world and and deepest thoughts. Can you figure out what it's trying to say?
Sorry, no peeking after this page. :)
in memory of rae
I landed back in Sydney after a 2.5 week trip home on Monday evening, 3rd Jan 2011. The first SMS I received brought extremely bad news about the sudden deterioration of Rae's condition; she's been battling stage 3c ovarian cancer since she first got diagnosed with it in June 2004. It sure brought back memories of a previous phone call that brought depressing news of a beloved friend's fatal accident when I returned from a business trip to South Africa.
In the few hours that followed, my Tudi kept me updated on her situation via Whatsapp (the application that to me, makes getting an iPhone most worth the $1000 as it keeps me connected to all my loved ones all the time everywhere). Rae eventually passed away at home surrounded by her family and close friends that evening at around 8.50pm Singapore time.
I started this blog entry the day after Rae's passing but I never got around to completing and publishing it until now. Just like how it took many years for me to accept the reality of my Dad's passing, I didn't want to believe that the same Rae I spoke to on the phone just the night before - she who was so chirpy on the phone and convinced me and Tudi that her condition had improved by heaps since we last visited her the week before - will never nag at me to take care of myself or to constantly remind me to blog blog blog so she could know what I was up to ever again.
It was under very strange circumstances that I got to know Rae back in 2005. We got to know about each other's existence through a group of mutual gamer and blogger friends. Because of her illness, she wasn't sure if she would be accepted so she tried to hide behind a made-up cyber identity that she created when she interacted with me. Tudi and I saw through her facade through her blog entries - we knew the level of maturity shown in what she wrote could not have been written by a 20 year old - and were disgusted by her pretence and lies. I still remember the skepticism we had before we agreed to our first face to face meeting initiated by Rae. I am very thankful for that meeting which changed everything we thought of Rae and brought an additional member to my limited circle of trusted friends.
Because of her age and life experience, Rae was more of a mother figure to me than a mere friend. In fact, the care and concern she'd shown me over the years way surpassed what I experienced from my own Mum (not that my Mum doesn't care for me, but that she rarely ever shows it).
Knowing how I always get very bad menstrual cramps, Rae bought me a hot water pack for easing the pain when she saw me off in 2006 as I embarked on a lonely journey to Sydney for a new job. After reading my complaints on how I couldn't find a single decent bolster in Sydney, which affected my sleep, she and Tudi spent a bomb to air freight me one so that I wouldn't have sleepless nights anymore. She also gave me this gadget to replicate those perfectly boiled soft runny eggs from Ya Kun that I love so much such that I may get to have this comfort food away from home.
To lessen my homesickness especially during special occasions, Rae collaborated with BH who was in Sydney on an internship programme to organise a surprise party for the first birthday I spent abroad away from all my family and friends. She made sure BH got the flattering nickname she knew me by - "Chioest", meaning the prettiest - on the cake. Subsequent birthdays were never lacking in presents such as these from her too.
I in turn surprised Rae and Tudi, thanks to my accomplice BH, when I suddenly showed up in Singapore for a 'farewell' lunch she was supposed to have for BH. This is the first ever photo we took together and I had to mosaic Rae's face back then when blogging it due to her wanting to keep her identity a secret to her other younger gaming friends.
We then spent a lovely day just eating our way around, as were what we always did whenever I went home.
Rae loved to eat, just like me. We both loved the same food such as the Dim Sum at Carlton Hotel, frogs legs porridge from Geylang, the daily soups from Soup Restaurant, the economical fried noodles and bee hoon I got for her from Simei etc etc. Up until her condition got so bad she had to stay in bed, we used to feast and pig out by eating at several places a day. As the years went past, we stopped doing that and switched to having homecooked meals at her place instead so she didn't have to tire herself out with all the travelling. In her last days, very fortunately I was back in Singapore the two weeks prior to her passing, Tudi and I got her some Nasi Lemak that she'd been hankering after. I am glad we got to satisfy one of her last cravings on earth.
Rae particularly loved the prawn noodle soup and Buddha Jumps Over the Wall (佛跳墙) - my Uncle's specialties - ever since she tried them for the first time in 2008 when she came over to my place for Chinese New Year lo hei with BH.
We even got down to playing a few rounds of mahjong after the lo hei. It was one of the most memorable CNYs I had.
Rae's condition started to go downhill from late 2009 onwards. My heart went out to her whenever I read about the pain and suffering she went through as documented in her journal. I made a little framed card with the best photo of us 3 spending yet another girly session at Rae's house (below) and mailed it to her with all my prayers for her, hoping it will cheer her up and spur her on a little more. It never got to her thanks to either Australian Post or Singpost and I let it stop at that, never once thought of giving it another go at making another card.
Such a short entry to sum up the many years of friendship and already so many regrets to add to the ever growing list: I promised to learn to cook that prawn noodle soup that Rae loved so much but I never got down to doing it; I never tried harder to send my regards to her either by phone, email or mail; I knew Rae loved reading my blog so much she would click into my site a few times a day to check for updates and yet I couldn't put in that extra effort to blog more frequently; I did not insist on seeing her one last time before leaving Singapore when my visit was cancelled due to a miscommunication with her son when in my heart I knew it would probably be the last time I would ever see her and she did indeed leave us shortly after.
I do not know how many more of such farewells I can take. As I combat my homesickness and grief at Rae's departure this recent month, I can't help but wonder what it is I am here in Sydney for, so far away from everyone I love. Personal freedom? Money? Career? Life experience? Are these worth the time lost in spending with the elderly grandparents who raised me, my Mum and Bro who I have not felt so close to until now, and all the friends who love me like Rae did?
Although it has taken me more than a month, I owe it to Rae to finish writing this. I know she's looking down at me from somewhere and waiting eagerly to read my final masterpiece on her. I hope I can do better at updating my blog from now on so that she doesn't have to get disappointed again if she visits when she gets bored in heaven, and all my friends too will know of what's going on in my life and not get worried unnecessarily again.
year in review - 2010
In contrast to its preceding year, 2010 held more highs than lows for me in many areas. In fact, I pretty much got all that I asked for in my year in review - 2009 entry and more. Some highlights worth mentioning as I round up the year on a positive note are:
I was welcomed into Club 30 with an entire month of celebrations.
On the work front, I experienced the longest period of extreme stress I have ever known followed by an immense sense of achievement as I finally received some appreciation and also got my duly deserved recognition.
Largely thanks to opportunities provided by work and a small part thanks to a boost in my purchasing power, I got to travel to many places new and old both within Australia and around the globe: Byron Bay, Wagga Wagga, China, Malaysia, New Zealand, Turkey, Germany, and Dubai.
Somehow, I managed to find time amidst the busy work schedule to finally pursue my interest in learning a new instrument and new language after years of procrastination.
An unexpected encounter brought along a stream of sweet surprises and extravagant date nights.
Finally, in the whole month of December, I got to spend a heartwarming Christmas and count down to 2011 surrounded by everyone I love and who love me.
I had a blessed 2010. I couldn't ask for anything more. Let's hope this has not resulted in an impossible benchmark of expectations for the coming year.
embarking on the 'happily ever after' road
In the course of my travels to regional Australia for work, I got to catch up with an acquaintance I haven't bumped into in a while. When it came to updating each other about what we've been up to recently, of course I had to mention my guitar learning and Japanese classes. Then we talked about what we wanted to do but never had the time to and I rattled on excitedly about my grand plans to attend a proper photography school, maybe pick up French again from where I left it a decade ago, definitely keen to continue my drum class and learn to play the keyboard as well among many other interests.
For the life of me, I couldn't understand the response I got:
"OMG. Your life is so boring. You should get yourself a man. Then maybe you will find more meaning doing things for your man instead."
For a start, I couldn't believe how judgemental and stereotypical one can be; how in the world does 'pursuing one's interests' equate to 'not having a man' and how could she draw the conclusion that just simply because I can afford the time to do all these things that I don't have a man?
Is this how married or attached women feel nowadays - that an interesting life is defined by 1) whether they are in a marriage or relationship and 2) how much of their lives revolve around the partner? Are they all of the mentality that there is no need to upskill or improve themselves or pursue any hobbies since they have domestic activities such as cooking dinner for their men, housework, family planning stuff to keep them occupied? I think that this may be one of the top reasons why relationships or marriages break up: that women stagnate themselves and leech on to their men such that everything that once defined them has been put aside for the greater purpose of building their lives around their men.
Pardon me for my indignance but I happen to think that my life is full and rich and definitely far more interesting than these women who seem to think otherwise. I tend to believe a woman who's passionate about her own life instead of just letting someone else's dictate her own, is able to bring more to a relationship. From my experience, no one should build his/her life around another person's life. But rather, two separately meaningful lives on their own can synergise into one that's exponentially more endearing that binds them together.
In fact, the key sustenance to any emotional and intellectual connection between two people is the constant sharing of new experiences and knowledge. Without learning new things, embracing new ideas and exploring new activities both separately and as a couple, I wonder how far down the 'happily ever after' road they think their routine on the same old constants can take them.
bleeding heart
My latest addition to the candle collection created a beautiful mess when the hot wax broke loose over the confines of the too-small glass container.
While the candle bled, I was having an informative discussion about CPR. Call me ignorant, but it came as a surprise for me to learn that the sole purpose of this physical intervention is to manually compress the chest to maintain a flow of oxygenated blood to the brain and heart, ie. it does not contribute in any way to get the heart started again; for that, you need to administer an electric shock - defibrillation to get the organ pumping again.
The conversation then flowed on to what is needed to maintain a relationship with your chosen partner for the rest of your life to enact a happily ever after fairytale.
When one's heart starts to bleed (metaphorically), is it enough to just go through the motion of fulfilling your so-called obligations hoping that in time the heart will pick up its usual rhythm to re-synchronise with your partner? I was told that performing CPR probably gives you a window of a few minutes before you lose your patient completely if no advanced life support is introduced; how long do you think you can sustain the relationship for by giving it the CPR treatment?
So many fail to realise the importance of re-injecting that spark to stimulate your partner's heart into beating for you again. The heart of a relationship is governed by emotions that are so fragile they can get blown to smithereens by a mere word of inconsequence or so strong they can withstand the worst calamities imaginable. It could be timely now for you to get a defibrillator for your dying relationship.
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing." ~ Anaïs Nin
new note
Knowing you is a note unknown
A note that cannot be held onto or owned
And when you're gone the memory has shown
It lingers of a voice
Once heard never forgotten
Forever in my memory it echos
In my heart it sings
And in my soul it reverberates.
Being with you is like a song in the making
Each new day is a note joined in a melody
That resonates in spaces that cease to exist
Each time we touch and kiss
As each note fades and dies
Another begins and sighs
How and if the song will end is unknown
But know by your voice my mind has been blown.
Each day you sing to me
Is for me one more day of jubilee
We will never again be lonely
As our new notes meet in a symphony of our journey.
~ Adapted from Pawpaw's 'New Note'.
sonnet xxx
When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste.
Then can I drown an eye, unus'd to flow,
For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,
And weep afresh love's long since cancell'd woe,
And moan th' expense of many a vanish'd sight.
Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er
The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,
Which I new pay as if not paid before.
But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restor'd, and sorrows end.
~ William Shakespeare
still dreaming
In my dreams, I'm always running
To somewhere, someone, somehow
From somewhere, someone, somehow
How do I stop?
In my dreams, you're always flying
To everywhere, but here
For everyone, but me
Why do I cry?
I'm walking along the edge of time
The heart and the mind - I'm losing both
Guardian Angel
Are you still with me?
30 seconds
It was crowded
Yet there was just him and her.
The noise in the club blended with the pitter-pattering of the rain
And was drowned out by the thump-thumping of her heart.
She sees a sun in that great big smile of his
It brought warmth amidst the winter rain.
A glorious picture of a field of golden sunflowers
Came to mind on that cold dreary night.
Those petals of yellow and leaves of green
Even if just a thought, they never fail to make her smile.
The smell of his seasoned leather jacket
Was a respite from the surrounding cigarette smoke.
The gentleness in that brief greeting hug
Made her forget the cruelty she was shown just before she spotted him.
And the irrepressible sincerity she received in those first moments
Paved the night ahead for long engaging conversations.
She who is always happy but always sad
Was completely happy throughout
From that first 30 seconds beginning with "Hello, we finally meet."
To the last 30 seconds ending with "Good night. I'll see you again soon."
year in review - 2009
I had my fair share of ups and downs this year. On this last day of 2009, I thought I'd take a walk down memory lane to freeze the year's gains and losses, happiness and sadness, into one blog entry before charging into 2010 with newfound energy and fresh hopes for a better year.
A '+' denotes a positive event/emotion while a '-' represents a negative event/emotion.
January
+ I found a sister in Sunshine23.
+ I rediscovered Sydney and Australia in general with a fresh pair of eyes and saw how beautiful this country and her people are.
+ My relationship with Mum got better.
+ I found meaning in upholding the traditional practice of paying my respects to Dad instead of just going through the motion of lighting joss sticks and burning offerings.
+ Bro for the first time, opened up and shared with me his love life, his career plans, his finances, his observations and opinions on the various incidents and events surrounding us, his worries, and most importantly on something that's been bothering me for a long while because I never knew where he stood in this taboo topic and never dared ask - his feelings and thoughts on Dad's passing and how he coped through the years.
February
- I ate my way around Singapore and gained 5 kg in 2 weeks. (!!!)
+ Thanks to the amazing social networking site Facebook, I found my long lost Secondary 3 & 4 form Teacher.
+ I made my first trip back to the island (Pulau Ubin) I grew up on after having permanently 'migrated' to 'mainland Singapore' since the early 1990s.
- I was painfully reminded of my ex boyfriend after watching the movie 海角七号.
- I got severely homesick after coming back to Sydney from Singapore.
March
- In need of some distraction from the downward spiral into depression, I buried myself in work.
+ I finally bought a car and that greatly enhanced the quality of life here in Sydney.
April
+ Went for the Sydney Royal Easter Show for the first time and enjoyed myself greatly.
+ I started plurking, which brought me closer to the animews.
+ I signed up for a gym membership in an attempt to live a healthier lifestyle.
+ Participated in several social gatherings so as to widen my otherwise non existent social circle.
May
- Nothing much. I felt empty.
June
- Felt empty for most part of the month.
+ Bought myself a digital SLR as a birthday present in advance to cheer myself up.
July
+ I got a promotion and pay increment.
+ Went on lots of photowalks with my new camera and polished up my phototaking skills a bit.
- Went into recluse.
- Cried non stop for days on end. Stopped eating and lost 5 kg in 2 weeks.
- My health took a massive hit.
- I was depressed.
August
- Went through the first part of the month in a zombified state. The first realisation that I lost someone I held dear hit me.
+ Took off to Singapore to regain my sanity and rediscovered my self esteem.
September
+ Project Chio was born with the objectives: eat healthier, sleep better, get outdoors more, generally love myself more.
- A severe dust storm engulfed Sydney which affected my lungs badly.
October
- Organised a road trip to Canberra which was disastrous to the point I didn't even want to think about it when it ended. (To Likklegirl: sorry, I didn't blog it as promised as it would have brought back unwanted bad memories)
- Took another weekend off to recuperate in Melbourne which turned out to be a nightmare too. It was so bad I ended up crying more than before.
- I terminated the gym membership.
+ Three of my photos were selected for inclusion in the Schmap Sydney, Melbourne and Canberra guides.
November
+ I fell in love with the Diana F+ kit. I have not purchased it (yet) as I don't have time to devote to her at the moment. I have been reading up on and checking out lomography since.
+ Attended my first black tie event in Australia in which a work paper I wrote and submitted got my nominated company a joint winner placing for the Best New Business Award at the Wagga Wagga Golden Crow Awards.
+ A photo I took and named 'Leaving Home' was featured on the Flickr blog on several days and hit my personal all time high in terms of hits and interest garnered according to the stats.
+ I signed up for guitar lessons.
+ I discovered Muse and rediscovered Nirvana.
- I gave up on a work assignment.
December
+ I re-emerged into the human society by attending parties and functions in an attempt to re-build a life outside of work.
+ I splurged on gifts for myself as a priority over getting gifts for others, which was a first for me. And it felt good.
In summary, I scored well in friendships, family love, materialistic comforts, pursuing personal interests and career but failed terribly at romance, personal well-being and health. So then, farewell 2009. I hope 2010 brings me someone who loves me for me, better state of mind and good health.
little miss sunshine
This is a screenshot of the first page of my Yahoo mailbox. Joyce Wong aka Sunshine23 aka Angel J and I have been emailing each other intensively for the last couple of months.
I am so glad she came to visit last Christmas. Sure, we've known each other since we were 13, but we were never this close like we are now. We bared our hearts to each other, talked and did more things together in the two weeks she was here in Sydney in December 2008 than in the 16 years we've known each other.
From playing dress up, to beaching and bitching, to linking and lancing ourselves silly, to road trips down south, up north, inner west and everywhere else here and there, to stuffing ourselves with food until we developed tummies so big we looked pregnant, to pure inexplicable madness, by the time we said goodbye, we had forged a bond so strong it was like we both gained a sister.
I am glad for it. I would never have gotten through the dark and depressing periods without friends like my little miss Sunshine. And I am blessed with lots of Mr and Miss Sunshines in my life.
Those of you who were there with me as I cried buckets of tears earlier this year, I thank you. It was because of each and every single one of you - the words you said, the things you did, the lame jokes, the virtual shoulders you offered in lieu of your physical presence right here with me, the smses, the emails, the plurks, the blog comments, the phone calls, the MSN chats - that I managed to pick myself up and gradually learned to love myself.
So which one of you wanna tell me a lame joke now? :-*)
who is more important?
Scenario:
You are in a senior management work meeting. You have 2 mobile phones that start to ring at the same time. One is from your spouse. The other is from a co-worker. You do not know what either of them is calling you for. You can only pick up one call.
Question:
Which phone call will you answer?
My observations throughout my working years in instances which may not be exactly like the scenario above but could be variations of it:
1) A male usually ignores/hangs up without answering if the caller is his wife/girlfriend/lover or someone from his family such as mother/father/brother/sister but answers the call without hesitation if the caller is a colleague/boss/client/supplier.
2) A woman usually does the opposite.
3) On the rare occasion in 1) when the male decides to do the opposite and realises that the wife/girlfriend/lover/mother/father/brother/sister is calling for something quite trivial, for example, to ask if he is heading home for dinner, he usually snaps at the caller, gives a brief reply and hangs up with irritation written all over his face.
4) A woman usually doesn't display her irritation no matter how trivial a matter her husband/boyfriend/lover/mother/father/brother/sister is calling for.
Note I state 'usually'. It's interesting to note the difference in priorities of the M versus the F but I am not going to go into an epic-battle-of-the-sexes discussion today.
For me personally, no matter how critical a meeting I may be in and how absolutely important it may be that I not interrupt the meeting by answering the phone, there are some very important people in my life that I will not miss any calls from if I can help it - Mum, Bro, Boyfriend (although this last position is currently vacant awaiting suitable applicants). There are ways to pick up a loved one's phone call in the midst of a meeting without being disruptive, trust me.
Sure, most of their calls have not been for anything close to emergencies (yet), but since when can you predict a life threatening incident or when they require immediate assistance? Most people's natural instincts are to phone someone closest to them who are on the phone's quick dial when shite happens even if they have been taught all their lives to call the emergency services (police/fire brigade/ambulance). I really don't want to press the 'ignore' key on my phone and regret that only after something bad happens.
Btw, this blog post was inspired by a real life incident at work when someone in the meeting room ignored a phone call, apologised to the meeting group: "Oh that's just my wife", and then proceeded to answer another incoming call from a colleague just minutes later. I really don't quite understand this. *shrugs*
i am contented with sunday picnics
Why are you turning away from me? You're totally ignoring me now.
You get abandoned when the bottle you came with is used.
One Sunday slightly more than a month ago, I woke to a brilliantly sunny but comfortably cool morning and decided to pack a picnic basket for some relaxing time by the beach.
My picnic bag had the following:
- a picnic mat
- a soft bag stuffed with a huge beach towel for resting my head on while lying down, and a cardigan in case it gets chilly
- a bottle of Brown Brothers 2007 Moscato (I love it for its refreshing frizzante effect and light sweetness; the light alcohol content of 5.5% also makes it the most suitable wine in my stash to bring out when I am driving.)
- a vietnamese chicken and cheese bread roll from the famous Hong Ha shop in Mascot (that was my lunch)
- some finger food for snacking throughout the day: spicy hungarian salami, mild spanish salami, prosciutto, black pepper pate, pickled olives with herbs and potato chips
- fruits: a small bunch of grapes and a few kiwis
- a book (Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho - a birthday present from a colleague) and a photography magazine
- my camera
The above photos were taken when I was lazing on the ground reading my book. I was happy 'cos I had everything I loved around me. There wasn't anything else I wanted on top of what I had at that very moment. Really.
FYI, this was at Maroubra, not the main beach area, but where the land slopes upwards along Marine Parade towards the cliffs. There is a soft green grass patch near Mahon Pool that's perfect for picnics and a few rolls on the slopes.
my ghosts are telling me...
Sometime last week, I plurked about having a disturbing dream of ghosts hovering around me at my workstation. Flyaway tried to decipher the meaning of the dream by researching online.
"Ghosts are representative of something that is no longer obtainable or within reach. It indicates that you are feeling disconnected from life and society. Alternatively, the dream may be a calling for you to move on and abandon your outdated modes of thinking and behavior."
The above is so true in more ways than one. I am deeply saddened by the unexpected discovery of something. So affected was I that I couldn't eat nor sleep. I am locking myself up in my own depressing world and punishing my poor innocent self. I try and I try and I try. But I just can't snap out of this self abuse. I have a problem and I am not doing anything to solve it despite continued naggings from people who care enough to flood my phone/email/msn with messages (I thank you). Maybe I will look back to this entry decades later and laugh at my own foolishness for putting myself through all the misery, but for now it really means the world to me for me to persist on. In saying that, I think I will have to start by loving myself first. People have no idea how tough that is for me. I must have been born with some form of deficiency in some self loving hormones or something.
I have always provided the motivation and encouragement for Flyaway to live life to the fullest. I tell her things that everyone else is trying to drill into me right now! And yet I go on and on now in the complete opposite direction. I am really sorry for being such a bad teacher by not practising what I preach. But I have not given up on life, on trying to be happy, and I hope you don't too.
me dunnos...
In the last 24 hours, I had just been crying and crying. I made a few phonecalls to those who matter who are still in my life and felt better after confiding in them what was bothering me amidst the wailings.
Today, I was only a mouse click away from getting an air ticket back home just to give it a last shot at regaining my sanity. I was ready to dump everything here and just go catch a plane about to depart in less than 3 hours time. I didn't even think about packing. All I wanted was to see familiar faces again, to be hugged and sayang-ed. I knew I couldn't head home in my current state of swollen eyes and puffy face but I was sure someone would find some place to put me up at for a week or so.
Then I thought about the work I had on my plate. I couldn't just leave. It would have been really unfair to those who have to pick up the pieces after my sudden departure. Everyone is maxed out as it is already. Then there is also the inconvenience that I will inevitably cause to those back home. I decided that I will have to deal with my own problems rather than be a burden to others. I banished the cowardly thought of running back home to my comfort zone and went for a walk with my camera instead.
I received words of encouragement from my dear friends in SG. I know there are people who care. However, no matter how I try to heed their advice and to convince myself that life is beautiful, I just can't do it.
Life is tiring. I have not fully recovered from an almost 2-month long illness. Maybe it's because I really don't want to get well? I think my mind may be willing my body to simply waste away because there really is nothing worth living for. I know this is a very selfish statement to make, especially since I personally know people around me who are fighting so hard just to stay alive, also not forgetting those who will be so hurt by my acts of self destruction.
But really, I am exhausted. Previously I had the excuse of having a family that was dependent on me, hence I had to stay alive for them. Now what do I have? I really don't know.
Can you tell me just what is it that you are living for? What is it that motivates you to wake up each day and embrace all that life has for you?
i've got $$$
The Australian Government announced an economic stimulus plan in which you get:
- $900 if your 2007–08 taxable income is up to and including $80,000
- $600 if your 2007–08 taxable income is between $80,001 and $90,000
- $250 if your 2007–08 taxable income is between $90,001 and $100,000
As with all the benefits we 457 employment visa holders are not entitled to, I naturally assumed I am not eligible for the stimulus package and have not bothered to find out more about it. So imagine my surprise when I saw the extra $900 in my bank account when I logged in to TT some money back to SG. Woohoo! So I'm now $900 richer!
Thinking the Australian Taxation Office (ATO) made a mistake, I went and read up more on this stimulus package and its qualifying criteria.
"Temporary residents and Australians living overseas:
If you were an Australian resident for tax purposes for the 2007–08 financial year, and you meet all the other eligibility criteria, you will receive the tax bonus payment. This applies even if you were here on a temporary resident visa."
I think they are being fair to us who despite not having citizenship / permanent residency status, have been contributing equal amounts of tax to the Australian system as a citizen / permanent resident.
Just a few days ago, I was sorting out my finances (this is a fortnightly routine for me - I have like a power spreadsheet detailing every single incoming and outgoing cent complete with trend charts and all) and feeling extremely down. I was discouraged by the lack of savings that I have been trying very hard to build up. Every time I see the golden eggs start to fill up my nest, things like these will happen and I find myself back at ground zero. The last fortnight also saw some additional lifestyle expenses like the monthly gym membership fee and spikes in the household expenses in the form of advance rental and miscellaneous payments due to transferring the apartment lease from under the Company's name to mine (and the housemate's) and these upset me. All these on top of the bills I still have to pay for in SG. It can get quite demoralising.
It's not like I am in such bad financial shape that I can't even afford to feed myself or purchase the occasional luxury (like my fiery red baby) but having grown up with the Asian teaching "未雨绸缪 - You've always got to save up for a rainy day" ingrained into me, I feel like it's the end of the world and I am going to die a penniless miserable death when I don't get greeted by a huge multi-multi digit figure when I log in to my bank account.
It's hard for me to adopt the carefree-can't-be-bothered-live-hand-to-mouth-everyday mentality like so many Aussies here do. It's a totally different culture we are talking about just like how we have the Asian parents-take-care-of-you-til-you're-married/independent-so-you've-gotta-take-care-of-your-aging-parents-future versus the Western once-you-are-old-enough-earn-your-own-pocket-$-please-move-out-and-don't-come-bother-the-parents-anymore-cos-they-wanna-have-their-own-romantic-retirement-lives culture. (Of course I am making very general statements here, but you get the idea) Can't really say which is the right thing to do because both cultures have their own merits.
Enough of digressing. So. I was going to say, the unexpected $900 bonus put a smile back onto my face. At least I can go shopping for some new funky winter wear this weekend and not hole myself up at home wallowing in my misery. Oh, and I'd be doing a good deed to society too cos I'll be doing my part, no matter how small, to help lift the fallen economy.
the unbelievable
More than a decade ago, my GP tutor in JC posed a question on what we hope to achieve in our lives to which I answered: “I want to make an impact on the lives I come into contact with”.
I seem to vaguely remember writing about this in my previous blog some years ago but cannot seem to locate that particular entry.
I am once again reminded of my aspiration when I had a peep in my ex-teacher’s newly established blog – The Unbelievable. Ms Lim, in her debut blog entry, attributed one of her two motivation factors behind setting up her blog to one of her dearest ex-students, yours truly.
She wrote: “I am an educator myself, and I never knew the impact we can have on the kids that we meet in class everyday till recently, when I met up with an ex-student of mine, that I taught some 13 years back. I read her blog; her little reflection on her meeting up with me. I am deeply touched, and I finally understood the impact we can have on an individual's life, and how after many years, it still lingers on.”
How true. To this day, I still remember the teachings from the many great mentors I have been very fortunate to have known. Even my little ambitious statement of hoping to make impacts on others was derived from something I heard from a senior in secondary school who gave me support through some of my darkest years and who first shared with me the philosophy of paying it forward when I was in my mere teens.
Today, I am greatly heartened to hear that my blog has touched some souls out there (many are now my friends too!) and has slowly become a source of inspiration and encouragement for many (you know who you people are *wink*). No matter how small the audience is, I am proud to have made some kind of positive impact on others. I hope my influence in getting ‘The Unbelievable’ started will blossom into something beautiful for Ms Lim and her readers too.
feeling down
I have been feeling really down ever since I came back to Sydney two weeks ago. The hectic work week immediately following my arrival distracted me a bit as I was mostly overcome by exhaustion to think about anything else. As I settled back into a steady work routine the past one week after my Boss left Sydney, the full impact of homesickness hit.
Other than work, I have not been motivated to do anything at all. I have dreams of Singapore, of people I miss and of Pulau Ubin. I don't have much appetite and only eat when I get really hungry or I will faint, and this led to some rather bad gastric pains earlier in the week that I had to take a day off. I hole myself up in my little room all the time just watching DVDs but half the time I'm not really focusing on the shows. I think up all possible ways to make my life in Sydney happier such as getting myself a car so I can get around more besides hiding in my room, getting a pet for companionship, signing up for some kind of photography workshop and brushing up on my photo editing skills because these are things I enjoy doing, making more new friends etc. But I get frustrated because there are a lot of constraints especially on the financial front and then I start thinking of all the other problems I have and start hating me for inflicting the frustration onto myself. It then becomes a downward spiral of no return into depression.
I am not a whiner. Nor am I one to wallow in self pity for extended periods of time. But this time I am taking a longer than usual time to pick myself up and I wonder why. I think I am badly in need of some encouragement.
Posts
