inner fears

My sleep has always been plagued with dreams, more bad than good ones. In recent weeks, I've been having nightmares which seem to revolve around the same theme or storyline: the loss of someone dear.

I keep seeing my Dad mouthing the words "I'm sorry" before leaping from the parapet to his death, always a half second too late to stop him or tell him I love him.

I see a tsunami unfolding in slow motion in front of me threatening to take all my loved ones away from me. I do all I can to get my family to safety but always end up alone in the end.

I go through the pain of drowning over and over again wishing for a quicker death but I was never fortunate enough to be graced by it.

I stumble through life all alone for eternity and finally find a cute little puppy that I can love and take care of, at the same time grateful that I now have a companion. But the puppy always runs away or simply vanishes into thin air.

Many times, I woke up with puffy eyes from actually having cried in my sleep, as evidenced by the pool of tears soaking through my pillow. Once, I even woke up screaming. Always, I refused to accept the finality of these nightmares and would try to will myself back into them to rectify my mistakes to prevent another loss.

I wonder if these are just my fears manifesting themselves in my subconscious. Maybe I need to see a sleep therapist.

dreaming of home

I had a revelation lately. Most of the characters in my dreams are family and friends from Singapore. And the settings in most my dreams are familiar places I spent a lot of time in back home. I rarely ever dream of anyone I hang out with in Sydney and places outside of Singapore only very occasionally pop up in my slumberland.

I think this says something about why I didn't dream much at all in my recent trip back home and why I tend to want to sleep lots when I am homesick in Sydney.

i'm a bee

I woke up this morning saying: "I'm a bee.". Remember my previous dream of being an ant? I wonder if these dreams mean I'm always busy working working working for the community??? Or that I am a hard worker?

still dreaming

In my dreams, I'm always running
To somewhere, someone, somehow
From somewhere, someone, somehow
How do I stop?

In my dreams, you're always flying
To everywhere, but here
For everyone, but me
Why do I cry?

I'm walking along the edge of time
The heart and the mind - I'm losing both

Guardian Angel
Are you still with me?

my ghosts are telling me...

Sometime last week, I plurked about having a disturbing dream of ghosts hovering around me at my workstation. Flyaway tried to decipher the meaning of the dream by researching online.

"Ghosts are representative of something that is no longer obtainable or within reach. It indicates that you are feeling disconnected from life and society. Alternatively, the dream may be a calling for you to move on and abandon your outdated modes of thinking and behavior."

The above is so true in more ways than one. I am deeply saddened by the unexpected discovery of something. So affected was I that I couldn't eat nor sleep. I am locking myself up in my own depressing world and punishing my poor innocent self. I try and I try and I try. But I just can't snap out of this self abuse. I have a problem and I am not doing anything to solve it despite continued naggings from people who care enough to flood my phone/email/msn with messages (I thank you). Maybe I will look back to this entry decades later and laugh at my own foolishness for putting myself through all the misery, but for now it really means the world to me for me to persist on. In saying that, I think I will have to start by loving myself first. People have no idea how tough that is for me. I must have been born with some form of deficiency in some self loving hormones or something.

I have always provided the motivation and encouragement for Flyaway to live life to the fullest. I tell her things that everyone else is trying to drill into me right now! And yet I go on and on now in the complete opposite direction. I am really sorry for being such a bad teacher by not practising what I preach. But I have not given up on life, on trying to be happy, and I hope you don't too.

save the world

It could have been the flu bug that has been invading the office for over two weeks now; the excessive pancakes I had for late night dessert yesterday; the recent addiction to establishing a fine pizzeria and increasing my karma for dancing banana emoticons; or the 'Tuts My Barreh' video that completely blew my mind. Whatever the reason, I had the most exhausting dream ever that left me feeling like I never slept a wink the entire night.

My Tudi and I were not human beings, but were mini cartoon characters in the dream. I remember feeling that looking at the world around us from a cartoon character's perspective was very enriching indeed - I felt lightheaded most of the time as I couldn't believe what I was seeing and preferred to just faint but the dream wouldn't let me.

And guess what? Tudi and I were travelling on my Plurk timeline, ie. my Plurk page was the universe and each Plurk update was like a landmark or place of interest and each comment within the Plurk update was like an incident that took place. Yeah can you imagine how confused I must have been in the dream?

So anyways that wasn't the end of it. Tudi and I discovered some evil conspiracy going on that threatened to destroy the universe (ie. Plurk) and decided to do all we could to save the world.

And so I spent the rest of the night flying from one end to the other end of the Plurk timeline, shooting evil Plurkers, executing ninja moves, carrying the injured to safer Plurks and so on. Even as I woke, I told myself "Noooooooo... I need to save the world!".

she was there for me, like how i was there for him

I had a long dream on Sunday morning just before I woke. My Dad was trying to tell me something very very very important in the dream. But I couldn't remember what it was at all after I woke. It bothered me for a while as I vaguely remembered that he was trying to warn me of something bad that was about to happen.

Later in the afternoon that same day, I got a long distance call from my Bro. He had encountered some difficulty and needed $XXXX cash urgently.

But I had a problem. He needed the money latest by the next day which was Monday. No matter how, telegraphic transfer or SG local bank transfer, I couldn't get the money to him by his deadline. This problem was exacerbated by the fact that Monday was a public holiday here in OZ and a telegraphic transfer from my OZ bank account here will take at least 24 hours (business days only) to reach the designated account in SG. The quickest way was for someone in SG to personally draw the cash from his/her account via the ATM and hand it to my Bro, while I pay him/her via electronic transfer which will only reach his/her account on Wednesday earliest. My Fav Tudi helped solve my problem eventually.

Thinking back, my Dad could have been trying to tell me in my dream that someone in the family needed help. That's my guardian angel attempting to forewarn me so I could prepare the necessary in advance.

When Bro called for help, I didn't ask him to explain why he needed money so urgently. There was no need to ask. No matter what the reason was, I would still have forked out the money to help him. I did not even query him on the repayment because I trust that he would repay me to the best of his ability. That's kinship.

I was embarrassed to have to ask Tudi for help, especially when it involved money, and not a small amount too. So I tried to explain to her as best as I could on why I needed it so urgently. But there wasn't any need to explain anything. Tudi would have helped me regardless of why I needed the money, without even one second of hesitation. That's true friendship.

Remembering back to something I said during a recent lunchtime chat with a few colleagues on friendship: you will know who your true friends (and family) are when you run into difficulties and need support. I am blessed to be reminded once again of the wonderful people I have around me who will always be there to hold me when I fall. I am no longer alone like I used to always think I was.

Einstein reincarnated

I am back in school. Jay Chou happens to be my classmate. Expectedly, we become very good friends and have even started going on dates. Jay sometimes displays astonishing intelligence and invents weird stuff and theories. My guts tell me that he is not simple. My classmates and I begin to investigate and discover that he was Albert Einstein in his previous life! We then get embroiled in a series of bizzare time travels and strange adventures with Jay Chou aka Albert Einstein.

Do you think my dream can perhaps be turned into a blockbuster movie?

i played paintball...

... with Morgan Freeman! How bizarre. Why do I always have such weird dreams?

i made it to the olympics!

This is another one to add to the weird dream collection for the third consecutive night this week. (Read: Night #1 - monster invades Rex; Night #2 - of being an ant)

I am at the Olympics in Beijing, as a competitor in the swimming finals. (I can't swim for nuts in real life.) I woke up extremely tired and stressed that I didn't win. I am guessing all the dreams are part of the entire PMS package.

of being an ant

Another weird dream. I am an ant. I live in a community of ants. And I work with ants. Everything is so small. I drink coffee from a tiny little cup. I skitter here and there, with other ants and do what ants do, carrying food from point A to point B and busy busy busy with I dunno what. Additionally, I have the sacred task of doing some complicated analysis on the demographics of the ant community and to present to the higher powers in graphical form.

Then I woke up, went a few huhs?!?! and promptly fell alseep again. The dream continued where I went to a bookshop (still an ant) and bought books (???) for myself and all the other ants. WTF?

monster invades rex

From: Jacqueline Pak
Sent: Thursday, 14 August 2008 10:49 AM
To: Creative-Team
Cc: Irwin Tan
Subject: tahsin was brave, mayo was scared shitless

I had a dream last night. There was a huge monster in Rex that went around killing everyone. Tahsin was brave and confronted it and got killed. Mayo was so scared he had to hold my hand and hide behind me. Irwin was standing one side pointing at Mayo and laughing at him. WEIRD.

Jac

i threw someone off a building

There is an evil person lurking in the vicinity. He does unmentionable things to people. He doesn't listen when I try to counsel him.

I grab his feet and swing him round and round, slamming his head into the wall again and again until his skull cracks. I see a lot of blood trickling down his face. He is still alive and struggling to break free. I am angry. Why doesn't he die?

I drag him to the parapet and throw him down from the highest level of the building I am at. I watch til I see him smash against the concrete below. He stops moving.

I open my eyes and stare up at the ceiling in the darkness of my room. I think to myself, "That was scary. I must be going crazy."

I am disturbed by the dream.

i was delirious

Last night, I was having one of those fevers where I was nauseous, felt hot and cold and my head felt like exploding all at the same time so I went to bed at 8.40pm. In my delirium, I had lots of weird dreams.

I found myself playing the flute. I played all the songs from the Phantom of the Opera musical. I was in a symphonic band for four years in school. I played the flute and the piccolo. It's been twelve years since I touched the instruments. Or tried to read a music score. I struggled a bit initially trying to sideread the score and to get the fingerings right. After a while, it was like I never lost touch with the instrument, with music at all.

In the midst of it all, I find myself teleporting between taking artistic photos with a brand new DSLR in my old house in Pulau Ubin, trying to fly an aircraft by taking off at the edge of a cliff, and concentrating on making no mistakes in the musical performance in a concert hall filled with thousands.

It was stressful, fun, exciting, scary, nostalgic, and most of all, exhausting.

i am a bread lady

Last night, I had to deliver bread to my starving pilot cadets at Mangalore Airport. Huge rocks and a mountain obstructed my way and I had to keep climbing my way through. Whole night, I did nothing but struggled to ensure the bread was delivered. There was a brief interlude when I opened my eyes, stared blank into the darkness, went "damn, I haven't delivered the bread!", closed my eyes again and willed myself back into dream world to continue my bread mission.

I was exhausted this morning when I woke.

beautiful dream

[Original entry posted here.]

I had a beautiful dream just before I woke up this morning.

I was with my fav tudi and beakee. We were in this cosy little 2-storey house. After a while of exploring the house, we suddenly realised it belonged to me!

There was an old wooden gate at the backyard. We opened it. A long winding path led to a wooden pier where you could find the occasional fisherman. The sun was setting right in front of us as we walked through the gate and it was really beautiful.

On the left of the pathway was a row of quaint old fashioned shops and cafes. On the right, a lagoon with waters so clear you'd want to jump in immediately.

And I thought it wasn't a bad idea to retire there. We gals were starting to get excited when I woke up. Spoiler!

I'm now going through all my photo archives to see if I can find suitable pics and photoshop them to try to replicate what I saw in my dream. I wanna remember it.

the 3 suicides

I had the most disturbing dream (or should I say nightmare instead) last night.

You know how in dreams you're always a 3rd party viewing what's going on, and at the same time, you're somebody else involved in what's going on? The 3rd party you know that you're in a dream while the 'you' in the dream don't know?

Alright, I was actually looking at myself in this nightmare. First, I tried to drown myself in a pail of water. The 3rd party me couldn't stop 'me' from doing that cos the 3rd party me is just a pair of eyes, no physical form. The drowning me realized after a while that I couldn't die.

Then I jumped off a building. The 3rd party me's heart almost stopped. Tried to shut my eyes but couldn't. Everything started happening in super slow motion. Halfway down the building, I floated. The suicide me was taken aback and floated around aimlessly for a while.

Finally, I just willed myself to faint and collapse on the floor and willed myself to die just lying on the ground like that. The 3rd party me tried to scream out to wake the stupid me but no voice came out cos I didn't have one. (Remember, I was only a pair of eyes.) I knew that this suicide attempt would succeed as I felt myself going fast. Hence, the 3rd party me engaged 'me' in a battle of will power by willing myself to wake up from this nightmare.

Eventually, I woke up. Sweat drenched and exhausted. Very disturbing. Still can't get over it. What if the suicide me won? Would I still have woken up or gone on sleeping as if I was dead? Am I getting schizophrenic? Or have I been hitting too many snails and slimes in MAPLE and they're back to haunt me (cos that was the last thing I did before going to sleep)?

*shivers*shivers*shivers*