on suicide. & i love them to bits.

[Originally posted on my old moblog site. Republishing here now.]

I came across an entry by EnigmaticExistence (EE) on suicide. Suddenly I really feel like writing about suicide too.

For a long period of time, I was quite sensitive about the word 'suicide'. Very close friends knew that it was taboo to even mention anything related to it around me. I would wince and feel nauseous whenever I heard that word. Because it reminded me of the time when I had to identify my dad's body at the morgue.

I was in denial of the whole incident for years, not willing to accept that it happened. I managed to convince myself that the body I saw wasn't really his and that he just disappeared for a while to sort things out and will eventually come home one day.

I have come to terms with it since.... I can't remember exactly when. But I'm glad I can talk about it now without becoming all depressed. I am glad I can answer very matter-of-factly when people ask me about my dad. And I have stopped imagining him coming through the doors now. I dream of him a lot and I'm happy because I remember him and still love him. I have even forgiven him for the things he'd done to me, to us.

EE asked in his 'I want to kill myself' entry 'how many times have you thought of ending your life?'

It was many for me.

10 years ago. I was in depression over his death. I couldn't understand why he did it. I wanted to experience what he experienced. I wanted to think what he thought when he was standing on the parapet and to feel what he felt when he made the leap. I thought of jumping from the same spot he did.

8 years ago. I got dumped by someone and I couldn't earn enough from my part time job to pay for my uni fees and was extremely stressed by my family over the financials and the year end exams were happening all at the same time. I tried to slit my wrists. Actually I did cut the skin and see red, but it wasn't deep enough to be fatal.

3 years ago. I lost someone I shared a life with for 3 years (and again financially stressed cos of my bro's education). This was someone I loved so much I gave up my bank account and could have given up my life for. I thought of crashing my car into the expressway divider.

I've not had suicidal thoughts since.

In all of these instances, the only thing that stopped me was my responsibility to take care of my mum and bro.

I get all angry with them sometimes for constantly asking for money from me. I sometimes wish I have nothing to do with them. I sometimes say hateful things about them. But, I have come to realise I am actually happy to take care of them. I really am.

Someone recently asked me if I have a goal or ambition or purpose in life. I used to have big dreams in my younger days like own a beach resort or a hotel chain or something like that.

My childhood ambition was to be a doctor. That was why I took 3 pure sciences up until JC when my dad passed away. My grades were fantastic. But mum told me that we couldn't afford the education fees and they couldn't afford to wait 5 or 6 years for me to graduate and become a doctor. So I dropped the subjects and took up the path to business school in uni simply because that was the fastest, cheapest and easiest way.

When I joined the workforce in the banking and finance industry, I had big goals of climbing the corporate ladder. I worked long hours every single day of the week, public holidays included. A traffic accident that was fortunately not fatal made me realise how vulnerable life is. A medical examination that revealed poor liver and cholesterol levels also made me review my life choices.

Now, I live today for today, now for now. It does not matter if I do not earn a single million, if I do not become a GM or a CEO, if I do not have a big house or a flashy car in my lifetime. How do I know how long my lifetime is? I can jolly well die now due to a freak accident like choke on my own hair that somehow ended in my mouth when sleeping.

So I replied to this someone that I am the most bo chap (nonchalant? indifferent?) person you can know. That I've got no ambitions and no big dreams and no single big purpose in life and I don't care. And that sorry if that's not inspirational for her and not a good example for anyone.

I just want to do the things I like. And be happy. One of the things that makes me happy is knowing I can still provide for my family.

Today, I got another $3k bomb from my bro - exam fees. I remember sending a couple of grands back for semester fees just not many months ago. I am stressed at having to raise money again. (A quick calculation showed that I have sent back $15k for his education alone in the last 1.5years. I'm amazed at how good I am at coughing money out.) In fact, I am very stressed cos I only have one week to cough it out.

And I had a sudden realisation that I do have a purpose in life. (Not exactly as aimless, purposeless, nonchalant and indifferent as I'd made myself seem to be.) That's to take care of my family and make them happy. I miss them so much. And I love them to bits.


ps: i'm not feeling depressed now so don't worry, I won't go kill myself, yet. I'm just fuucking stressed. But well, this is nothing compared to what I've had to face before so hey, I think I won't be feeling suicidal for a long long long time to come.