where am i?

[Original entry posted here.]

I spent quite some time re-reading my past blog entries. Smiled at the silly dreams I had. The ones of Kakashi Sensei and the ninja dancing troop, of my ex-boss chasing after rabbits, of me being Angelina Jolie, an assassin paired up with Tom Cruise...

Laughed at the comical cartoons I drew. Of the pee-por-pee-por ambulance incident on the expressway, of sending the drunk Zest home in his manual car and jam braking for him to puke by the road, of the debate between Vin and myself on speed of taking the bus to the zoo vs jogging there, of the malu cheese spurting incident with a stranger woman...

Grinned at the maple adventures. The splurging of meso cash to makeover my character, the drawing of maple rose gang family tree, the extensive spreadsheet tracking my maple shop inventory and finances, the maple kids gatherings, the rivalry between airen tudi and bamboohorse, the multiple screenshots that tell ridiculous stories...

Teared at the depressing moments I had. Of being a comedian who hide my sorrows but keep those around me happy, of the immense stress I faced due to financial burdens, of getting drunk and abusing myself, of the nightmares linked to my Dad's death...

Scratched my head at some things I used to ponder and wonder but never had any clue. The whys and the hows and the what ifs. I still think and ponder and still have no idea...

Impressed by some deep stuff I wrote. Like the planning of my own funeral, the you asked and I answered entry on friendship, the continuation of Naijiz's great big fire poem...

Saddened by those rude comments made by people who mattered...

And so much more...

I used to have a sense of humour. I used to think and talk about life, was passionate about everything I did, and very involved in everything and everyone around me. There was this fire in me that was distinctly me.

Not quite sure what happened to that me, but I seemed to have become just another of the many empty shells so very commonly found. Not much thoughts, emotions, feelings.

It's so obvious, the entries I wrote back then and now, it's like I've changed into a completely different person. And I miss the old me. I miss everything I've had, the good and the bad, the joy and the tears, the laughter and the depression. At least I felt. Strongly.

Now I'm just numb.