random stuff & misunderstood

[Originally posted in my moblog. Republishing here now.]

Before I go into what I wanted to write about proper, allow me to blabber a bit on some random stuff.

I haven't visited moblog in a long while and wah! falling snowflakes greeted me when I peeped in here! so nice! And the new search function is cool! I no longer have to scroll through hundreds of entries just to find that particular one. And wah! got autosave some more! *clap clap* moblog you have progressed well in my absence. *pat pat on the back*

I have been getting these really bad heart palpitations of late. I can feel my heart beating so rapidly and so forcefully that sometimes I thought I'll die from a seizure. I described once to my colleague the feeling as something squeezing my heart so tightly that it's struggling to break free by pumping harder and faster. I have had such experiences before, but only when I consume alcohol - think I blogged about this long ago. But it's definitely not linked to alcohol this time as I haven't been drinking for months. I have also ruled out caffeine and stress. The top suspect on the list now is chilli or overeating. Still monitoring. May drag my slowly expanding fat asss down to the doctor's someday when I cannot stand it anymore.

I realised I put on 5 - 7 kg since I came to Sydney 16 months ago. The last reading I got from a digital weighing machine was 57 kg *faint*. (Okay given that I am about 1.66m tall, I should be glad that I'm still in the 'acceptable weight' region.) But but but... I cannot allow myself to put on so much weight!!! Trying to shed a few kilos before my company's christmas party 2 saturdays from now altough I haven't really started on any actual weight loss programs yet. Ahhh... I'm a procrastinator.

Ok back to what prompted me to log in tonight. I wanted to write about how misunderstood I am (as usual, what's new?). Don't worry it's not the end of the world yet.

I remember writing similar entries on this a long long time ago. So things haven't changed eh? People are still people, be it sg or sydney.

Had several conversations with different people at different times and different settings recently and obtained insight on what they really think of me.

Stuck-up. Ms Know-it-all. Happy-go-lucky (remember the comedian entry?). Stress free. Don't take things seriously. Individualistic. Independent. Over confident. Came from rich family (--> this made me laugh).

These are some comments I got on me. Positive and negative. Not that it matters so much to me how people really think of me that I have to change myself to please anyone.

This is just how some people perceive me to be from their interactions with me. To be fair to them (and myself), they wouldn't have had opportunities to really get to know me. Being a person who doesn't open up readily just makes it even harder not to get misunderstood. But I'm perfectly fine with it. I really don't need to be thought of as an angel to be happy.

Only those who really get to know me in-depth will find out how different I am from what they have always thought me to be like. So far, in my stay in Sydney, there have only been one such lucky person who I think really understood me - my ex housemate who left to get married in sg. It's also weird how some know me so well just shortly after meeting me (this reminds me of naijiz who commented he could see sadness in my eyes just meeting me once and this maple friend whom I've never met commenting on my comedian role in life) and some just don't after years of acquaintance.

I don't deny that I am sometimes too this and too that for others' liking. That I sometimes behave as if nothing in the world fazes me. That I am invincible. That I am flippant. That I have a heart of stone. That I am coooooold. That I am a lot of things.

Well, it all comes down to perceptions. It's easy to form impressions and perceptions on people but hard to really get to know someone.

It's easy. If you know me, you know me. It's win-win for you and me. If you don't, you don't. And it's both our losses. Just don't act like you understand me when you don't. Cos that just instantly builds an invisible psychological barrier that prevents you from wanting to get to know me better and understand me and irritates the hell out of me.


ps: I'm tired. It's late and I need my sleep. I find myself unable to think and write coherently now so that's it. bleah.