inner fears

My sleep has always been plagued with dreams, more bad than good ones. In recent weeks, I've been having nightmares which seem to revolve around the same theme or storyline: the loss of someone dear.

I keep seeing my Dad mouthing the words "I'm sorry" before leaping from the parapet to his death, always a half second too late to stop him or tell him I love him.

I see a tsunami unfolding in slow motion in front of me threatening to take all my loved ones away from me. I do all I can to get my family to safety but always end up alone in the end.

I go through the pain of drowning over and over again wishing for a quicker death but I was never fortunate enough to be graced by it.

I stumble through life all alone for eternity and finally find a cute little puppy that I can love and take care of, at the same time grateful that I now have a companion. But the puppy always runs away or simply vanishes into thin air.

Many times, I woke up with puffy eyes from actually having cried in my sleep, as evidenced by the pool of tears soaking through my pillow. Once, I even woke up screaming. Always, I refused to accept the finality of these nightmares and would try to will myself back into them to rectify my mistakes to prevent another loss.

I wonder if these are just my fears manifesting themselves in my subconscious. Maybe I need to see a sleep therapist.