my ghosts are telling me...

Sometime last week, I plurked about having a disturbing dream of ghosts hovering around me at my workstation. Flyaway tried to decipher the meaning of the dream by researching online.

"Ghosts are representative of something that is no longer obtainable or within reach. It indicates that you are feeling disconnected from life and society. Alternatively, the dream may be a calling for you to move on and abandon your outdated modes of thinking and behavior."

The above is so true in more ways than one. I am deeply saddened by the unexpected discovery of something. So affected was I that I couldn't eat nor sleep. I am locking myself up in my own depressing world and punishing my poor innocent self. I try and I try and I try. But I just can't snap out of this self abuse. I have a problem and I am not doing anything to solve it despite continued naggings from people who care enough to flood my phone/email/msn with messages (I thank you). Maybe I will look back to this entry decades later and laugh at my own foolishness for putting myself through all the misery, but for now it really means the world to me for me to persist on. In saying that, I think I will have to start by loving myself first. People have no idea how tough that is for me. I must have been born with some form of deficiency in some self loving hormones or something.

I have always provided the motivation and encouragement for Flyaway to live life to the fullest. I tell her things that everyone else is trying to drill into me right now! And yet I go on and on now in the complete opposite direction. I am really sorry for being such a bad teacher by not practising what I preach. But I have not given up on life, on trying to be happy, and I hope you don't too.