In the last 24 hours, I had just been crying and crying. I made a few phonecalls to those who matter who are still in my life and felt better after confiding in them what was bothering me amidst the wailings.
Today, I was only a mouse click away from getting an air ticket back home just to give it a last shot at regaining my sanity. I was ready to dump everything here and just go catch a plane about to depart in less than 3 hours time. I didn't even think about packing. All I wanted was to see familiar faces again, to be hugged and sayang-ed. I knew I couldn't head home in my current state of swollen eyes and puffy face but I was sure someone would find some place to put me up at for a week or so.
Then I thought about the work I had on my plate. I couldn't just leave. It would have been really unfair to those who have to pick up the pieces after my sudden departure. Everyone is maxed out as it is already. Then there is also the inconvenience that I will inevitably cause to those back home. I decided that I will have to deal with my own problems rather than be a burden to others. I banished the cowardly thought of running back home to my comfort zone and went for a walk with my camera instead.
I received words of encouragement from my dear friends in SG. I know there are people who care. However, no matter how I try to heed their advice and to convince myself that life is beautiful, I just can't do it.
Life is tiring. I have not fully recovered from an almost 2-month long illness. Maybe it's because I really don't want to get well? I think my mind may be willing my body to simply waste away because there really is nothing worth living for. I know this is a very selfish statement to make, especially since I personally know people around me who are fighting so hard just to stay alive, also not forgetting those who will be so hurt by my acts of self destruction.
But really, I am exhausted. Previously I had the excuse of having a family that was dependent on me, hence I had to stay alive for them. Now what do I have? I really don't know.
Can you tell me just what is it that you are living for? What is it that motivates you to wake up each day and embrace all that life has for you?
me dunnos...
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7 comments:
Hey GP,
I know it's hard, especially when you're in a different country. I also know I can't say I know how you feel, because you've been away from Singapore far longer than I have.
But honestly, there are many times when I want to pack up, go back to Singapore, fuck my education here. I just want to be with familiar people again; I want to be where people who matter to me are. To make things worse, I am 12 hours behind everyone, and if anything happens to anyone, I am usually asleep.
To be honest, you are one of the reasons that keep me going. I never felt it was so difficult to be away from home, and knowing you _will_ be away for home for a longer period of time. Student exchange was different, you know you are here to play, and you will go back home. But now, I know I might at least be here for another 3 more years.
When I think about you in Sydney, how you bravely and strongly stayed there for so many years, I tell myself that I can do it too. I also tell myself I want to make it here because better money is to be made, and I can somehow, improve the lives of people who matter (may it be friends or family). May it be providing accommodation for them when they visit Canada, or being financially stable to sponsor perhaps part of their air fare. I must say, the encouragement and the presence of my friends is a big motivation factor for me to keep giving my best for my studies and career.
I'm not sure if what I say make sense, but one thing for sure, is that you are one of the people who keep me going everyday, and you mean a lot to me. I hope that somehow, you know that someone in Canada is very exhausted too (have so much emotional baggage now), but is still fighting on; and that someone would like to fight the battle with you.
BH
truly an excellent BH-GP pairing... :D shifu, u fight on for yourself... u have every right to happiness as we all do. u fight for us who lubs u lots.
me, we wake up knowing that we're supposed to see u all thru safely until u all find yr own happiness. :D as long as u need us, we will be here. **muackiez**
Hang in there jac. I know exactly how u feel when u just want to abandon ship. Find that last bit of strength to pull through. U can do it!
rae sayang u and gives u hugs
No matter what it is, it is a phase U r pathed to go through. It can make U stronger and so, unworthy things/person should not deter/affect the ability to love yourself. U'll soon find out that after this ordeal, that it's all just a bad dream... Time can heal Angel.
MCP...
don't lose hope; whatever it is, there will be a way out that leads to happiness - maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a year.. the day will be fulfilled
in the midst of everyday business that ties our time, gets us down now and then, there is something within that keeps you going, right? that is a purpose that keeps life going for everyone..
being alive is probably one of the things we all ought to be thankful for everyday. quitting is too easy, you are tougher than that! but if you have to, break away.. but not alone? you have great friends, and that is what life has given you
Well i dont want to say that I know what you are going through, because I have no idea what you are going through. But cast your mind back a couple of months ago when I was going through the exact same feelings as you. I hated everything and everyone around me. I had to come to work and face people that I couldnt bare the sight of any longer. I had no friends here to confide in, the time difference between home and Aus is 8 hours sometimes 9, so I could never just pick up the phone and call whenever I felt down. I have no parents to rely on and felt completely reliant on my husband. We were fighting continously and I was ready to give up everything, pack my bags and just head back to the crime infested place I once called home, just to be able to return to normality and see the people that meant the most to me.
But I had to stay for my family's sake. We had given up everything we had in South Africa and would have lost too much if we had gone back - especially so soon into our arrival.
I was living with people that were basically strangers as well which didnt help the cause at all. They were making me even more angry inside and I felt completely helpless.
I managed to work through it, but the only way I could do that was by talking to people, and more than often, I found myself talking to people I didnt even know or trust and would never in a million years share my secrets with, but in order to keep my sanity, I had to.
Just remember that we are all here for you and believe it or not, we have probably all felt the same way.
Keep your chin up and remember to NEVER GIVE UP - only cowards give in and I know you are by no means a coward - you are a fighter and thats why you are still here fighting. Well done for not getting on that plane and making irrational emotional decisions. Think with your head and not with your heart - your heart may feel broken at this stage...
If you feel so strongly about going back to SG, then go back for another holiday and make it soon... there is nothing wrong with that.
Anyway, im here if you need me...
Dont hide away and become a recluse, that wont help your situation at all.
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