There are many thoughts and feelings I can't publish for the world to read here so I've started a personal written diary. It was love at first sight when I saw this journal at the bookstore in the State Library of Victoria in Melbourne after hunting around for one for like, forever, that 'speaks' to me. The picture of the forlorn moon on the cover was purchased separately and added on afterwards.
I got stickers, coloured pens and scrapbooking materials to add some life into my daily ramblings and put them all into a cute Ingrid & Friends pouch from Kikki K for carrying around wherever I go.
With some effort, I did up the inside cover page to reflect my inner world and and deepest thoughts. Can you figure out what it's trying to say?
Sorry, no peeking after this page. :)
all my thoughts & the heart talks
mental therapy puzzles
I love jigsaw puzzles. I've completed more than a few dozen of them when I was in SG, with the most difficult one being a 2000-piece puzzle of an entire field of nothing but sunflowers - that took me months to complete.
I find it very therapeutic when I focus on putting the pieces together and it takes my mind off the everyday stressful stuff when I get myself absorbed and lost in the puzzle-image of the moment.
However, I don't really know what to do with them after fitting the last piece in. I have never had any intention of framing and hanging them up and they aren't always suitable presents for giving away. So I find myself disassembling the pieces and stuffing them back into the boxes them came in and either store them away or chuck them into the bin.
I took some time off work due to health issues lately and had the luxury of time to pick up this favourite past-time again. These two 1000-piece puzzles that I bought at a super bargain were not very challenging though; the first one took me about a day and a half and the second about two days and a bit to complete.
They are back into their boxes now waiting for someone else to spend time with them.
sleep
Because of all my problems with sleep and the non stop nightmares I've been getting every night, I consulted my regular doctor here in Sydney and he prescribed me some proper sleeping pills to replace those Nature's Own Complete Sleep herbal pills I used to take.
My first thought when I collected the meds at the chemist was that "wow, now I'm like those celebrities you always read about in the news of their deaths from drug overdose as I now have enough drugs to kill myself with if I want to." LOL
Also, after reading this on MojitoMint's blog, I went to download the Sleep Cycle app on my iPhone to track and monitor my sleep patterns.
Hopefully I'll be able to have restful sleep from now on.
inner fears
My sleep has always been plagued with dreams, more bad than good ones. In recent weeks, I've been having nightmares which seem to revolve around the same theme or storyline: the loss of someone dear.
I keep seeing my Dad mouthing the words "I'm sorry" before leaping from the parapet to his death, always a half second too late to stop him or tell him I love him.
I see a tsunami unfolding in slow motion in front of me threatening to take all my loved ones away from me. I do all I can to get my family to safety but always end up alone in the end.
I go through the pain of drowning over and over again wishing for a quicker death but I was never fortunate enough to be graced by it.
I stumble through life all alone for eternity and finally find a cute little puppy that I can love and take care of, at the same time grateful that I now have a companion. But the puppy always runs away or simply vanishes into thin air.
Many times, I woke up with puffy eyes from actually having cried in my sleep, as evidenced by the pool of tears soaking through my pillow. Once, I even woke up screaming. Always, I refused to accept the finality of these nightmares and would try to will myself back into them to rectify my mistakes to prevent another loss.
I wonder if these are just my fears manifesting themselves in my subconscious. Maybe I need to see a sleep therapist.
Posts
