strangers in newtown

Here's sharing some of the photos I took on a walk around Newtown today with the aim of practising candid portraits. I find it difficult to focus when there is movement, hence some of the photos didn't turn out as sharp as I'd like. I need to be able to anticipate people's movements better instead of passively following them and end up half a beat late in capturing the moment. However, I am rather satisfied with the overall look and feel of the pictures here.


Window shopping


Boredom


Strung together


Indignance


Our lives in the mirror


Portrait artist


Twirl with me


Hula girls


In a mess of hoops

assignments for P-C-M-U

As part of 'Project Cheer Monkey Up', I was given a few assignments by a few friends who care:

- dress up a bit to look good
- go for a walk in the sun for some vitamin D
- EAT (it was suggested I go to a nice cafe)
- go get some fresh food/fruit
- go shopping and identify at least five items that Tudi / BH will like

It was an enormous effort for me to take the first step towards loving myself (I have a tendency to love others more than my own self) and convince myself to accept my friends' support (I have a problem with reaching out for help - I always think it as inconveniencing others).

After cooping myself up and crying my eyes swollen for days, I accepted that I can't solve all my problems at once right away and said to myself "Just Phuck It." (inspired by Tudi's msn pic) and just simply relax for a day.

So on this beautiful Saturday, I did a bit of catching up with sleep (I had been sleeping 2 - 3 hours a day for the whole week), then started the day with completing the above assignments in mind.

Because I hadn't been eating much the whole week, I lost 3kg in five days. You may say this is bad. But the good thing was I can now fit into this six years old super garang Levi's dress that had just been in storage for the past three years because I had grown sooooooo fat. I felt slim and pretty when I stepped out of the house. I also unexpectedly bought a dress while spending the day photowalking Newtown (again) - a simple black dress with pop up roses at the hem. Sexaaaaaay right?



Spent the day walking the whole stretch of Newtown and taking photos. I will upload the photos in another entry later. It was a sunny day so I hope I absorbed lots and lots of vitamin D. Explored the weekend market there and found an old army bag which can be worn two different ways and is big enough to fit my camera with an attached lens in for short photowalks. I like it a lot!!! It so matches my garang outfit today right?



Besides the dress and the bag, I also treated myself to some nice tortellini alfredo at the super popular Pastizzi Cafe. I took a pic of their specialty pastry snacks but didn't order them. I was feeling greedy and hence went for a full main pasta that I only consumed about 20% of because my body is somehow rejecting food now.



Last assignment: five things I think that Tudi / BH will like.

Muppets hanging on a bicycle - I only know Miss Piggy, what's the other one? And a brown bear going for $5. I feel sad for the bear being chucked aside on the ground like this. It must used to have an owner who loved it. Ah, how fleeting love is.



Bright smiley spidey hanging from a tree watching the crowds at the market.



Sexy red underwear specially for BH. I know he secretly really wants one of these. Hmm... but it may be a little small for BH's BD.



Eye candies! Stylo girl for BH and rugged man for Tudi (although I think the beard can go).



The Complete Works of Shakespeare for Tudi. And we should all go down Ghost Valley together!



An ornamental pumpkin to allay Tudi's fear of eating pumpkins - I find this so unbelievable that I thought I dreamt it up and had to verify with Tudi today. And nice shoes for all of us!



So how did I do? I think I deserve A***!!! What's next?

the red and the greens

I thought I would break the series of gloomy posts by sharing some of my favourite photos taken during a recent walk in Newtown - a suburb that I never tire of exploring.

Left: Red man in the cabinet
I was in a cafe with the housemate when I saw the reflection of the red man on the mirror of a small cabinet at the counter. It took me a long while adjusting the focus manually to capture this on top of having to wait for the human and vehicular traffic to pass. I must have appeared weird because the housemate kept wondering wth I was trying to capture - I suppose I was the only one able to see this scene because of the spot I was seated at. I had wanted to get a shot of the green man too but the cafe staff started opening and closing the cabinet too frequently to get stuff that I didn't get a chance to do so.

Right: G'day sale!
I had the intention of turning this into a black and white picture but keeping the vibrant green of the leaves the moment I saw the bicycle and before I even framed the shot. Afterwards, I spent hours outlining the irregular edges of the vines in quick mask mode in Photoshop, going into each pixel - the perfectionist in me couldn't accept missing out a pixel even though it probably won't even be visible in the end product.

You can click on the respective photo for a larger version.

me dunnos...

In the last 24 hours, I had just been crying and crying. I made a few phonecalls to those who matter who are still in my life and felt better after confiding in them what was bothering me amidst the wailings.

Today, I was only a mouse click away from getting an air ticket back home just to give it a last shot at regaining my sanity. I was ready to dump everything here and just go catch a plane about to depart in less than 3 hours time. I didn't even think about packing. All I wanted was to see familiar faces again, to be hugged and sayang-ed. I knew I couldn't head home in my current state of swollen eyes and puffy face but I was sure someone would find some place to put me up at for a week or so.

Then I thought about the work I had on my plate. I couldn't just leave. It would have been really unfair to those who have to pick up the pieces after my sudden departure. Everyone is maxed out as it is already. Then there is also the inconvenience that I will inevitably cause to those back home. I decided that I will have to deal with my own problems rather than be a burden to others. I banished the cowardly thought of running back home to my comfort zone and went for a walk with my camera instead.

I received words of encouragement from my dear friends in SG. I know there are people who care. However, no matter how I try to heed their advice and to convince myself that life is beautiful, I just can't do it.

Life is tiring. I have not fully recovered from an almost 2-month long illness. Maybe it's because I really don't want to get well? I think my mind may be willing my body to simply waste away because there really is nothing worth living for. I know this is a very selfish statement to make, especially since I personally know people around me who are fighting so hard just to stay alive, also not forgetting those who will be so hurt by my acts of self destruction.

But really, I am exhausted. Previously I had the excuse of having a family that was dependent on me, hence I had to stay alive for them. Now what do I have? I really don't know.

Can you tell me just what is it that you are living for? What is it that motivates you to wake up each day and embrace all that life has for you?

hermit me

Things are just not right anymore. They are hitting me far worse than I'd expected. I feel helpless because I am unable to visualise the plan (that is if there is a plan at all) or to work along the process to derive a conclusion. The only thing I want to do now is disappear from this world and totally withdraw into antisocial reclusion.